Relax

Luxuriate (v): enjoy (something) as a luxury; take self-indulgent delight in: she was luxuriating in a long bath.

In my last few years of living I've slowly come to realise that a peculiar phenomenon takes place inside of my head; I tend to underestimate the scale of activity on my plate. Consequently, I'm often caught in a paradox of wanting to relax yet feeling guilty for wanting to relax as I don't believe I've quite earned it.

I distinctly remember a journal entry of ten year old me complaining about the sheer amount of school homework, clarinet (short-lived, teacher was a monster) practice and tutoring work I had to do. To illustrate my younger self drew pictures of a clarinet, stacks of cartoon paper, and an amusingly disproportionate (or arguably metaphorically accurate) big-headed cartoon Nicole next to the diary entry.

Tack on approximately eight more years of life onto this version of myself and I appear to have done a complete 180 away from "oh woe is me, I have so much to do".  Now don't get me wrong, I do occasionally whine about how busy I am with church commitments, uni assignments and general existence but it's hardly ever my first instinct anymore. I consistently have to remind myself in an almost omniscient narration sort of way that the things I have done are a) extensive, b) productive, and consequently c) exhausting.

However, several weeks into my semester break, my general well-being - or lack thereof - started to do this narration for me. After quite a few weeks of being consistently on the go and therefore letting any and all healthy habits burn in the fire of extensive productivity, I started to genuinely struggle to get out of bed. The lack of sleep and meat that my body gets is a bit of a tightrope for my system already, let alone exacerbating any of that with irregular meals and consistent compromises. I consistently felt like there was a tiredness, a slightly numbing fog right behind my eyes in the middle of my head. Like when you first wake up but are not entirely awake just yet. Except this lethargy didn't go away as the day went on, instead it made me never want to leave my bed for activities aside from retrieving snacks or tea.

Following on from this realisation that my eighteen year old body was virtually running on about 30% battery every day was the first time, perhaps all year, where I really consciously looked after myself. Where I really let myself luxuriate. I restored good habits, did things for people around me, and probably most importantly I've learned to start saying no to certain commitments - simply because 'yes' is not necessarily always the most loving or practical answer.

The photo at the beginning of this post was taken after a fifteen hour day of being out and about from present hunting to tutoring to attending and photographing one of my best friends' 18th party. Even now I read that sentence and question whether or not that is even a tiring day, but my mind does recall the affirmative. While that was a really nice, productive day with good company, it's a good example of a full, brimming day.

This week, contrastingly, has been so relaxing despite me still chugging along productively, a happy human train. Today, for example has been hours of reading in the sunshine, about five cups of tea, warm lounge clothes, wholesome meals, and a bike ride to the park to read and to swing on a swing set while the sun set. Incredible. About a week post Realisation, I'm already back on my feet, filled with much more energy and a steady sense of contentment intermingled with gratefulness for how many blessings I truly have at my fingertips.

I highly implore you to let your body rest and seek some sunshine, good food and soul productive activity.* Trust me, your body will thank you.

*The following things fall under the Soul Productive category: things that make you happy, things that make people around you happy - in no particular order.