Too Much

“You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge. Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone — profusely. But don’t apologize for being who you are.”

Danielle Laporte

Something I've employed in my life in the past few years, without really pursuing it officially or anything, is just doing things. Saying things. If I think it, I will say it. To an extent, of course. Certain things are definitely best kept for the inner workings of my mind. 

While there have definitely been times where I've chickened out and not complimented a stranger or something of the like for fear that they would find me crazy or to be hitting on them when I'm really not, generally this has worked a charm. Impulse can be oh so good. Be spontaneous, be free, be true. There is no need for sugar coating. 

I think the issue with reaching out to others revolves around two things: pride and rejection. We want the other party to reach out, to make the first move, to show they are interested. We are scared that they will think we're crazy or stupid or desperate. People are really good at getting in their own heads. Honestly, take the leap and don't be afraid of being too much. You are always going to be too much for someone, so be unapologetically you. 

This has been a complete and utter mix of didactic and thinking out loud. Excellent. I shall leave you with another fantastic quote from a random Tumblr post that has stayed in my head all week: “You not finding me attractive will not stop me from being attractive.” Stay golden, folks.

A List

Currently, I am finding it difficult to really care about anything I normally care about. However, I did start a list of things that are cool in life a few weeks ago so I thought I might share that and add to it.

a list (from Nicole's MacBook notes)

• stretching when you’re tired, or first wake up
• friends with pre 2000 laptops
• noticing people, instead of ignoring them
• spelling a word right in the spotlight dictionary search on a macbook
• realising you can walk, when in a disabled toilet 
• singing disney in the car (over an hour drive in the rain)
• watching a guy laugh as he went through a puddle
• bumping into friends at the bus stop 
• finishing file transfers a minute before a tutorial finishes 
• talking about a friend you've now had for years who means a lot to you but you kind of forgot 
• talking with someone new, with ease
• deep, coma sleep-debt paying sleeps

Forest Freedom

Several years ago in high school, we studied a module called Into the Wild where we learnt about the poet Ovid and his affinity for the outdoors as his interaction with the world enabled him to transcend lots of things.

I've been feeling a lot like Ovid lately. I feel genuinely deprived of some sort of metaphoric oxygen in my cooped-up-ness. I am raring to go go go. We have arrived at the culmination of assignment due dates and I have arrived at the edge of sanity.

It is thoroughly depressing and taxing looking ahead in my calendar and realising my complete lack of leisure time. Leisure time is vital, man. I'm into working hard, but I'm also into resting the soul. Soul productive time.

My entire being is yearning for the summer time and The Great Outdoors. Soon enough. I am so determined to live every single day of this upcoming summer inside out.

In the meanwhile, I shall be setting up camp on this incredible Tumblr. If you enjoy beautiful things and the colour of all cultures, go for it, dear things.

Goldilocks

I am not sure.

We are so often spoiled with choice. As someone who often struggles with indecisiveness I feel and know this all too well. It's entirely probable that the extensive choice is, in fact, what has led to my frequent indecision. I just spent a good amount of time questioning the word 'probable' because it looks extremely peculiar, but it is indeed spelt correctly. Anyhow, I digress immensely. I am not sure. I am not sure if this platform is for me. I'm torn between social media platforms, how's that for a technology generation problem?

I have struggled to write because I won't admit any of this to myself, I think. Well firstly, I was so hesitant to break the fourth wall even though I really inherently seem to insist on breaking it all the time in regards to blogging... about blogging. But secondly, I am head strong in my commitment to Blogger as a platform. I am a professional sentimental value projector and using Blogger throughout the entirety of my adolescence definitely calls for some high definition projection on my part. Yet my mind has floated to WordPress and Tumblr especially, of late. It might be a grass is greener on the other side sort of matter but I'm not quite sure yet (there appears to be a running theme to this post).

The main issue is that I am still not - and unsure of whether I ever want to be - at the stage of whipping my phone or camera out at every photo opportunity and thus, my picturesque photos are limited. And I thoroughly enjoy and understand the success of the moderately photo-heavy/photo-orientated blogging formula. Thus, I'm caught in a little conundrum, you see. I don't want to post unless I have some nice photos to put up, yet I have things to say that don't require photos.

Perhaps I am steadily making a mountain out of a molehill here but I really do love blogging and never want to give it up. I blog therefore I am, y'know? So we gotta work through this.

Empathy

It can be really exhausting to exist sometimes. Don't get me wrong - it's not that I abhor existence or anything of the like; it is a complete and utter blessing and gift every single day. However, let's not sugar coat things. Some days, some weeks, some months can be utterly exhausting. 

I mean, I feel a lot of things. Often, I am a ball of empathy yarn. I am woven to fit situations and then unwoven and strewn about, tangled with everything in my midst. And then repeat. 

At the end of the day, the yarn is going to be pretty beat up, right? Right. That's where a conversation I had a few weeks ago that enabled an 'aha!' moment for me. The person that I was speaking with explained to me how she had stopped watching the news because that was, for her, misplaced empathy. This meant that she focused her energy instead toward particular people or causes that she felt she could productively aid, instead of expending empathy and emotion toward tragedies around the world that were out of her reach. 

I take this to mean that instead of absorbing the news - which is often saturated with sadness and tragedy - you seek out causes that you want to support and give time, money, and energy to in smaller,  concentrated doses. In this way, you're able to exert yourself most productively in terms of 'charity' (in one form or another), and you're also able to ration your energy most effectively in regards to your own mental well being. 

This doesn't mean you should pull a veil over your eyes and be ignorant to anything and everything happening in the world, but merely be more conscious of where you are knitting your empathy yarn and for what direct purpose and result. 

Different Strokes

Different people have different interests. Different people have different interests. Different people have different interests. 

This is a very simple concept. 

However, it seems that many do not seem to be aware of such a reality. This results in several responses incited within me (in no particular order): anger, frustration, loneliness, disbelief. 

Nowadays, compared to several years ago, it's much rarer for me to feel angry but I find this is something that just gets me completely riled up. I think there is almost an element of personal offence  taken because failing to be aware of/in consideration of this phenomenon goes against so many things I  Or maybe simply because the workings of this concept are just plain ol' obvious.

Rea(d)lise

"Dort wo man Bücher verbrennt, verbrennt man auch am Ende Menschen."

"Where they burn books, they will also burn people." - Heinrich Heines

Books are really important. There is something about books that has lasted and will last in one form or another for many, many more years. 

While I've had my heart broken several times over the last few years as I watched several large franchise book stores shut down due to a lack of profit, popularity, and/or general sustained success - I've also experienced quite a bit of mending. Mending in the form of the Kindle, audio books, YouTuber written or promoted books, and a quiet omnipresence of books around me amongst family and friends and strangers. While I do not personally dabble in the aforementioned "new age" forms of consuming literature, they have definitely served as both a comfort and a little fuel to my interest fire for reading. 

Be it copious amounts of time on the internet, or a complete overdose of word consumption during my senior years of high school, I slowly but surely found it harder and harder to pick up a book and really stick to it. I seem to have adopted this habit of starting books and simply never finishing them, which may be okay for some people, but is completely not okay for me.* I would either lose the rhythm of reading or simply move on to another shiny new book. Or I would incessantly re-read books, as I tend to do so with many other things: re-consume, despite the opportunity to explore the new. And thus, The Pile originated. Or The Piles, I should say. 

Over the past year or two, I appear to have amassed quite a collection of books on/in my bedside table, those of which were:

A) Gifted to me

B) Borrowed by me/lent to me

C) Ambitiously bought by me

All of these books in The Pile share something dreadful in common, however; I haven't read/finished any of them. This Pile isn't exhaustive either. Some happy news is that I did indeed finish a book (not pictured: An Abundance of Katherines by John Green - one of my Year 10 bible study girls' favourite Green book) this afternoon. That book, or at least the act of reading that book, is in fact what has led me to write this post. I was reminded of how much more I like how I function when I read. In fact, I like the world and humans and everything just that bit more. Everything is heightened and slowed down and just that bit clearer and sharper and better. 

This is almost a sequel to my previous post. I'm going to get through this pile, book by book and word by word. Life is busy, but not busy enough to forget things that you love, and things that also arguably love you back in their own way. Books make the world go round and they are oh so special if you would only give them a shot. 

*Exceptions to my general inherent inclination to finish books: The Hobbit and Peter Pan - popular and classic respectively, were both almost a struggle to get through. I only reached about half-way with both before abandoning them. I'm not sure if I'm willing to add them to The Pile. They are currently being Ignored. Maybe. Maybe when I have finished better books.

Intentioned

I believe I've hit a plateau. 

I have dabbled in many different topics and categories in my previous posts to experiment and play around with what I like to post. That was all in hopes of discovering what it is that I really enjoy writing about so I can focus on it and keep that train going. However, it appears as if I have run out of steam (haha) because I am hardly any clearer on what I want to write about than when I first started The Lackadaisy. 

You know when you are trying to tie a bow with a piece of string or ribbon and the ends are just shy of meeting? That's how it's felt recently inside of my head when I've thought about what I want to post. 

Recently, I've been blessed with the presence of a lovely soul in my life by the name of Mariela. I will not go on about this fabulous gal but just know that she is really excellent and has an incredible heart/mind. Something she said has floated around and around in my head; the idea of being more intentioned is important. It's so silly that often it's the things you love the most that you procrastinate from or avoid doing. Which is precisely why I will continue to experiment and write and take photos to share and document thoughts and events. 

Don't run from things that make you and those around you happy. Sure, make lists but actually do the things on the lists too. Speaking of which, I am off to shower and head to uni. Keep ticking things off.

The Helpers

I've had a lot of time to reflect lately. It's been incredibly edifying deconstructing and reconstructing. It has also been slightly overwhelming trying to coherently collect thoughts to form a focused opinion. I am brimming with thoughts about the world and it's really, really great.

Last year during the HSC I didn't feel like I had any time to truly form human opinions. It's a slightly inane phenomenon but the whole ordeal was just so consuming. Maybe it wasn't really even that bad but when considering the leaps and bounds of this year, last year pales greatly in comparison.

The same sentiments were echoed all around us when we finished our exams and celebrated accordingly: "this is when your life really begins". Aside from being maybe faintly offended, we all simply smiled politely in response and that was all. Midway through this new year, however, I can truly attest the validity of that statement.

That's the thing about life. There is always hope. There are always opportunities. I have never realised this as much in my life as this present moment, as I sit here at 18 years of age. The problem with this blog post is that I cannot grab you by the shoulders, dear reader, and shake you with excitement about the prospect that life is FILLED with things to do, see, be, and love.

I have been resisting the urge in many places of late to throw up my arms and spin around because this world is beautiful and I am absolutely thrilled to be in it. There are sad things, and there are bad things, but to focus and dwell isn't the solution to these problems. Be the change you wish to see in the world. I believe in the power of each human to make a change. We can do 'bad', but we are much more capable of good.  I am aware the potential of naivety and cliché in puncturing this happy thought balloon is substantial, but yet it is not inevitable.

Food For Thought

My 19th birthday is coming up in less than a fortnight. I am both happy, and also really mildly terrified. Consequently, I am distracting myself with party inspiration and planning. Advanced apologies for defining superfluous with the number of food pictures there are - got totally carried away. Seriously, I had a lot of fun finding images and food ideas. Much more fun than I thought I would have had. I will probably do another one for decoration ideas. 

All images are sourced from Tumblr/Google - too many links, just know that none are my own.  

Humble Abode

A few days ago whilst tidying up my room I looked around, paused and then stopped cleaning. I went to grab my brother's camera (which I have yet to charge and give back from a few weeks ago, whoopsies) and then proceeded filmed random parts of my room to compile somewhat of a room tour video. It just happened. I was just itching to edit and to make something, I think.

However, straying from the YouTube beauty guru conventions of pristine and pretty rooms, I left tiny details of real life laying about. Because hey, I'm human, you're human, and we don't all have IKEA mock-up rooms.Whenever I text someone I always want to kind of know where they are so I can fit them visually in my mind so now, in the same way, you can imagine more accurately what I'm referring to when I talk about my room.

While there are still lots of things I want to chop and change and update and all that, there is clearly enough love for it as I decided I wanted you to see it. I hope you enjoy :-)

Wear Where

Last week, upon getting ready to go out with some friends to The Soda Factory for a cute lil' night of dancing and friendship, I finally struck gold. Metaphorical gold. You see, I have toyed with the idea of a see saw representing life at its best for me. A perfect equilibrium. This balance, I believe, I have finally arrived at by a bit of dumb luck and laziness.

This won't be the first time you will hear me say this because I believe in it so wholeheartedly: I firmly believe in the importance of carefully choosing what you adorn your body with. It affects not only how you look on an aesthetic level, but also how you feel in terms of comfort, confidence and self-expression.

What I hope to achieve here, is to share my happy little balanced outfit so that you may perhaps give getting dressed a little more thought, a little more love and consequently have a little more fun overall next time you get dressed and do life.

Head to toe, let's go.

For my hair, I left it down as it was still pretty fresh from being washed the night before and I enjoy the hair freedom when I dance and chat and laugh.

For my face, I've come to realise how eye makeup simply doesn't weigh out for me in terms of looks vs. effort of removing it before bed. My low-maintenance being can't even handle removing one product from my eyes, so I decided - perhaps a handful of liquid eyeliner smudged pillowcases too late - to forgo the liner this time and to simply fill in my brows and whack on my red lip.

For my jewellery, I wore possibly my favourite necklace - a dainty little silver circle necklace a surprise gift from the lovely Chanel. Presently, I am simply not a jewellery kind of girl. Interested, though.

For my top, I wore my black cropped turtle neck which is comfortable and 'warm'. Turtleneck means warm. Yes.

For my bottoms, I continued my abhorrence to pants and proper winter attire by donning this wonderful printed midi skirt (similar) gifted to me by my nearest and dearest soul sister Vanessa (because she/her mum accidentally bought two haha). The floaty pleating and slightly longer length made it ideal for feeling like an off-duty salsa dancer and a comfortable, covered up one at that. No flashing, no worries.

And finally, the shoes I chose were $10 lace up boots with a barely noticeable heel. I bought these beauties in a mysterious store in Chatswood Westfield that has since disappeared. Helpful. My skyscraper heels days are over I do feel. Similar to dyeing my hair and mosh pits at concerts, heels so heavily saturated the bulk of my teen years. Nowadays, comfort and practicality has lured me up and away from silly shoe choices.

The practicality of this rung true when my friend Andrew spun around after we just vexatiously jaywalked/ran past a taxi (it's awful, going to uni in the city has changed me. I'm trying to break the habit. Jaywalking is a no-no, kids) and said, 'Oh. You're cool. Not heels.' Turns out it crossed his mind when we were rushing off (to a whiskey bar, too cool these friends of mine, too cool) that I wouldn't be able to keep up because I'd be stupidly hobbling in some sky scraper shoes.

And there you have it - a happy, balanced outfit. Feel good in what you wear, both aesthetically and functionally.

Beholden, Be Golden

Lately I've been thinking about how little I want to do things when it's cold. The idea of my warm, comfortable bed and its plethora of cushions, blankets and love is often more than enough to make me question leaving the house even if it's thirty minutes before I have to be somewhere.

It's hard to explain how much colder I tend to get than most humans I know. But you know when it's several degrees too warm in a room and it's time to take a few layers off? That, with the layers on, is precisely what I find comfortable temperature-wise. It's weird, maybe I should look into it.* The point is sometimes I feel like I can't possibly handle any weather that isn't glaring sunshine and warmth. I've learned to shut up and to internalise a lot of my Cold Complaining but it's still there puncturing my plans and decisions, when it really shouldn't (90% of the time).

The thing is, though, upon reflection I am immensely blessed to live in a country where our winters allow us to do what you see in these photos. Quite literally, in the middle of winter, two of my friends and I spontaneously decided to go swimming and then spent the late afternoon playing around on the rocks until golden hour. That is barely winter by any worldly conventions, now is it?
It also begs the question: what am I even complaining about half the time with such a gorgeous place to call home?

Answer: Nothing really. I just shouldn't be complaining, there is nothing to complain about.

Also, a big thank you to the two beautiful ladies featured in the photos: Alex (the lovely brunette), and Amy (the glorious blonde). Initially, I had the intention of doing a very casual photoshoot thing with Amy not sure where or what, but last minute ocean plans solved those questions. The result was some lovely little snaps of summer in the winter feels. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't too familiar with the camera I was working with so I wasn't happy with a lot of the shots because of over exposure and general setting incompetency. But I do really enjoy the several that are above :-) thanks for being wonderful to photograph, you two.

Photo credit: Alex (thanks, chicka)

And finally, here's a photo I did not take but am in - reuniting with an old, watery friend. 

*I figure it has something to do with my low level of fitness. I'm working on it, I promise. One day I shall be able to circulate my own body appropriately. Dream big.

Relax

Luxuriate (v): enjoy (something) as a luxury; take self-indulgent delight in: she was luxuriating in a long bath.

In my last few years of living I've slowly come to realise that a peculiar phenomenon takes place inside of my head; I tend to underestimate the scale of activity on my plate. Consequently, I'm often caught in a paradox of wanting to relax yet feeling guilty for wanting to relax as I don't believe I've quite earned it.

I distinctly remember a journal entry of ten year old me complaining about the sheer amount of school homework, clarinet (short-lived, teacher was a monster) practice and tutoring work I had to do. To illustrate my younger self drew pictures of a clarinet, stacks of cartoon paper, and an amusingly disproportionate (or arguably metaphorically accurate) big-headed cartoon Nicole next to the diary entry.

Tack on approximately eight more years of life onto this version of myself and I appear to have done a complete 180 away from "oh woe is me, I have so much to do".  Now don't get me wrong, I do occasionally whine about how busy I am with church commitments, uni assignments and general existence but it's hardly ever my first instinct anymore. I consistently have to remind myself in an almost omniscient narration sort of way that the things I have done are a) extensive, b) productive, and consequently c) exhausting.

However, several weeks into my semester break, my general well-being - or lack thereof - started to do this narration for me. After quite a few weeks of being consistently on the go and therefore letting any and all healthy habits burn in the fire of extensive productivity, I started to genuinely struggle to get out of bed. The lack of sleep and meat that my body gets is a bit of a tightrope for my system already, let alone exacerbating any of that with irregular meals and consistent compromises. I consistently felt like there was a tiredness, a slightly numbing fog right behind my eyes in the middle of my head. Like when you first wake up but are not entirely awake just yet. Except this lethargy didn't go away as the day went on, instead it made me never want to leave my bed for activities aside from retrieving snacks or tea.

Following on from this realisation that my eighteen year old body was virtually running on about 30% battery every day was the first time, perhaps all year, where I really consciously looked after myself. Where I really let myself luxuriate. I restored good habits, did things for people around me, and probably most importantly I've learned to start saying no to certain commitments - simply because 'yes' is not necessarily always the most loving or practical answer.

The photo at the beginning of this post was taken after a fifteen hour day of being out and about from present hunting to tutoring to attending and photographing one of my best friends' 18th party. Even now I read that sentence and question whether or not that is even a tiring day, but my mind does recall the affirmative. While that was a really nice, productive day with good company, it's a good example of a full, brimming day.

This week, contrastingly, has been so relaxing despite me still chugging along productively, a happy human train. Today, for example has been hours of reading in the sunshine, about five cups of tea, warm lounge clothes, wholesome meals, and a bike ride to the park to read and to swing on a swing set while the sun set. Incredible. About a week post Realisation, I'm already back on my feet, filled with much more energy and a steady sense of contentment intermingled with gratefulness for how many blessings I truly have at my fingertips.

I highly implore you to let your body rest and seek some sunshine, good food and soul productive activity.* Trust me, your body will thank you.

*The following things fall under the Soul Productive category: things that make you happy, things that make people around you happy - in no particular order.

Sydney ✈ Adelaide

A few weeks ago I went on my first solo travel trip. This trip, like many things in my brain and world, symbolised a lot for me despite its modesty in duration and distance. I visited Adelaide, SA - which is a lovely little one and a half hour plane trip away from Sydney - for six days and five nights.

The trip was a result of a little claustrophobia, a little wandermust, and a growing despondency toward any travel plans actually coming to fruition with friends. A solo, domestic trip seemed like a winning combination, and indeed it worked like a charm. 

I had a quietly wonderful time away. There is so much potential and opportunity in every day life and it inherently does not make sense to me to squander that. I was reminded that only when I kept my eyes and mind open then I would really stumble upon the gems.

The city holds a quiet charm and after spending many a day around the Sydney CBD area in the past half year I was really darn grateful for a significantly less populated city.

I stayed for a few days with a friend at his university unit and then a few days at a hostel, both of which I felt pretty much instantly at home and comfortable. I have a theory that if you place in my hands a book, an electronic device, and a cup of tea I will be able to feel at ease anywhere I go. The hospitality and warm welcomes from both places helped too, of course. Lovely people do indeed continue to exist.

The hostel I stayed at offered a free bike rental service so the morning I left, I rented one and cycled down to get breakfast right before I had to head to the airport. 

Perhaps neon signs weren't the wisest choice in terms of first impressions but Hostel 109 you were lovely!

I didn't manage to photograph everything I wanted to because I was delightfully focused on being present and a sponge. My favourite moments are both abundant and will thus inevitably be verbose but off the top of my head, the botanic gardens (not pictured) and spending a day wandering a new city answering to every whim that twirled itself around me as to where to go next are two experiences I will hold near and dear for a long time.

'Seek and you shall find' while true, is not perhaps in reference to an absolute finding. Keep seeking, and you shall keep finding.